On Spiritual Burnout
Spiritual seeking gets really tiring sometimes. Books, therapy, groups, retreats, practices, courses… it can feel endless… and it can feel exhausting. Those not on a spiritual or personal development path might say, ‘Why are you so tired? You’re not doing anything.’ or ‘You’re not even working that much.’
Comments like these can be painful to those of us experiencing Spiritual Burnout. They lead to feelings of separation and misunderstanding, and paradoxically to an increased attachment to our personal development journeys that may be burning us to the ground.
I remember when I was in nature for the first prolonged period in my life. It was at a so-called ‘Rainbow Gathering’ near Jerusalem around Passover time. People from around the world convened at this free gathering in the foothills, equipped with camping gear, outlandish clothes, weed, and maybe some psychedelics. For a while, I had wanted to go to a ‘Rainbow’ to just be. To experience myself, my True Nature, or to just be free of worries.
It didn’t happen.
I was so tired. Years of fervent soul searching had already passed. Countless therapists, personal development approaches, medications, travels, educational programs, books, and relationships. Though these experiences added to the richness of my life experience, arguably I never was really fully present during any of them because I always was mentally occupied searching for my next adrenaline hit with the promise of changing my life.
I was Spiritually BURNED OUT. I felt broken. And so did many of those around me who had also come to nature under the guise of retreating from the ‘toxic society we lived in’. Though I was in my early twenties at the time, there were people as old as their 60s still searching for themselves.
Last year at the airport, I made an elderly friend who still didn’t know who she was. Nearly every time I travel by myself, I meet a really wonderful person who shares their life story with me. This time it was a lovely lady in her 70s on her way to meet a friend. I asked her to share some wisdom from her life with me, something she would have wanted to know if she were my age. She told me that she was still searching for herself, that she still didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life or why she was here.
We hugged goodbye, a tear in my new friend’s eyes whose name I do not remember. I was disheartened to hear that at her age she had still not ‘arrived’ yet. “How exhausting”, I thought, “When is all this searching going to end and when will my real life begin?”
A little over a year later and my perspective changed, maybe because I heard the quote, “This is not a dress rehearsal. This is it.”
In addition, my partner introduced the idea of accepting that I may never get what I want… in my entire life. He asked me what would happen if I never ‘became enlightened’, which was the root of my Personal Development search, to begin with. I was devastated. “If I never become enlightened”, I thought, “it means that I am unworthy in the eyes of God. I would rather die.” And I really believed that. My ‘Wanting Mind’ still does believe that.
The first time I did this exercise, it nearly broke me. I felt so vulnerable and human that I did not know what to do with myself. How could I continue living knowing that I may never have the thing I wanted more than anything? Even though I have not gotten ‘enlightened’ since last year, I did not die. Strangely, I have actually gotten happier.
The truth is that I have no idea if I will ever fulfill my concept of ‘Enlightenment’ or if it has anything to do with God’s love for me. Nor do I know if I will ever run my dream ultramarathon, get married, or make a global impact at the scale I envision. Would it be the end of the world for my dreams to not come true? I hope not. If I only think I’m allowed to be happy once I’ve ‘arrived’… well, shit, I guess I may never be happy!
That’s why I am writing this article now, instead of when I am an excellent writer… because maybe this article will actually make me a better writer. Maybe it won’t. You tell me.
There is a certain flavor of freedom in failure (aka not getting what you want). If I don’t expect to receive everything I want, I can dare to appreciate things as they are right now… even if at times they may suck (like when I had COVID this week). So, why would I not want to appreciate things as they are? For fear that I won’t change if I like my life? Or that people won’t accept or love me just as I am?
- I can’t remember a time I haven’t changed. Can you remember a time you haven’t changed?
- As far as I know, I can’t force people to love or accept me. I can accept myself, however. (Or maybe I can’t. It really depends on the moment and based on what criteria I have decided makes me acceptable or unacceptable.)
A few days ago, at the peak of my second experience of COVID, I stood under the shower in the fluorescently lit bathroom. Nauseous, dizzy, and disoriented, I remember lamenting my ill fate. I actually didn’t know if I had COVID for sure, and I remember feeling just terrible. Something clicked in me during that shower- a sense of warmth and calm washed over me. My own internal voice said, “I’ll be ok no matter what. I’m bigger than this.”
Surprisingly, many of my symptoms actually diminished and I felt much more hopeful about the future. After countless years of deep suffering and an equal number of years fighting my own suffering tooth and nail, I felt myself, suffering as I was. I had been exactly what I had been searching for all these years, paradoxically, which only happened once the Wanting Mind did not have full control over me.
So how do we integrate and apply these insights:
- That if we keep searching, we will never arrive. The Wanting Mind will always keep wanting! And that’s fine, that’s its job. We just needn’t listen to everything it says…
- That we may never receive what we wish for and it does not affect our worth or sense of wholeness whatsoever
- That this sense of feeling ourselves, of being at home in ourselves is what we are really looking for, and, paradoxically, we have to let go to experience it because we already are ourselves (duh!)
Practice #1: Noticing the Wanting Mind
Take a moment to ground your body wherever you are. Preferably, find a comfortable seat and close your eyes. Bring your attention to your body and allow all sensations to be as they are. If the Wanting Mind appears in the form of trying to find an idea for dinner, your future spouse, or your next great business idea, just notice that the Wanting Mind has arisen.
Keep gently returning your awareness to the body every time the Wanting Mind shows up. Do this for as long as feels appropriate.
Practice #2: What if I never get what I want?
Now bring to mind something that you feel like you cannot live without. Let it be something of vital importance or ultimate concern, such as your dream partner, to find your authentic self, or to reach a long sought-after goal. Once you have a vivid picture of what it is that you are longing for, ask yourself in all earnestness, “What if I never get this (i.e. partner, job, spiritual attainment, perfect body, acceptance from my family, etc)?”
See what emotions, sensations in your body, and thoughts arise surrounding the possibility of never realizing this dream. Go gentle with yourself. This is an advanced practice. If need be, reach out to your spiritual director, a trusted friend, or a helping professional to hold space for you.
To process your experience, you may write down what you observe about your reactions in a journal.
Practice #3: Feeling at Home in the Present Moment
Take a few breaths and simply set the intention to relax and feel your body. Find the parts in your body that you can naturally feel without exerting any effort. If possible, feel your body from the inside out, as if you are wearing a suit.
It may help to notice the temperature or textures touching your skin as an entryway into the body.
Now look for 3 things you are genuinely grateful for at this moment.
Ask yourself, in response to imagining you did not receive what you asked for in life, “Did I die? Am I still breathing? Am I still here? Yes? Ok.”
With loving care you can also acknowledge to yourself that it’s ok to feel like it really sucks to be uncertain of if you will get what you want AND that you are not the only one for whom nothing is guaranteed.
A great antidote for suffering is remembering that all beings suffer.
Conclusion
Spiritual Burnout can be lonely, isolating, and draining, yet it can also be a gateway to a deeper understanding of what it means to be human. Though we may know people that say they have a ten-year life plan in all seriousness…no one really has any control over their future. The only things we have any control over are the decision (intention) to be present, honest, and kind towards what we (and others) are currently experiencing.
Healing doesn’t happen as a result of fighting how we are now in the hope of somehow reaching a brighter future. Healing is a result of accepting the deeply disappointing possibility that we may never be the next Buddha or Bill Gates, and that, after all, someone’s gonna have to be you.